Happy Birthday!

One must close their eyes while making birthday wishes.... it's like eating the fortune cookie before you read your fortune. It's a jinx and it won't come true... oh wait.... maybe it really doesn't matter on either. My rate of success in such acts doesn't substantiate my theory. Open your eyes close your eyes. Eat the cookie don't eat the cookie, but do have a super 2009! It's bound to be the best year yet!

Slim Fast Wiper Man

Morning commutes always make for good entertainment.

Does anyone find it awkward when another driver pulls up next to you and you can see directly into their car? And make matters worse by hovering there for a while? I really find that uncomfortable. Somehow it feels like an invasion of my privacy. It reminds me of swinging. Yes swinging. The kind with a swing set.

When I was a little girl we would go to the park to go swinging because you go to the park for swinging. Whenever you and the person swinging next to you would get on the same rhythm, meaning you were pumping at the same speed and would get going exactly the same forward and back, forward and back , we would shout, "Hey get out of my bathroom!" Then you would speed up or slow down so they weren't swinging side by side in your "bathroom" anymore. Pulling up next to or having someone else pull up next to you on the freeway is kind of like that for me. An invasion of my personal space. It was probably a little less invasive as children because I at least knew the person next to me. Not so on the sometimes friendless commute.
Another awkward aspect of commuting is the "look" or "not look". As a driver and passenger, I am a watcher. I like to absorb the environment around me, so I find it hard not to look when someone pulls up next to me. I have become adept at the "quick glance" so as not to appear like I am gawking. Then there is the "both look". You both look at the same time, then pretend that neither one of you were looking and every time you try to look again you manage to do it at the precise time they try looking again and you go back and forth and back and forth in this comical exchange of glances until you can't keep yourself from smiling. Then there is the "no look, look". You pull up next to each other and both of you are determined not to look and appear like you don't notice someone is "in your bathroom." Glancing directly forward, in deep meditation about the price of eggs or the far corners of the universe and all the while secretly looking in the very most corner of your eye to see if they notice we are both swinging in the same "bathroom".

Well, this morning I had a "no look, look" "bathroom" dweller pull up next to me. While he was playing the "no look, look" card I was taking the "quick glance" approach. In my glancing I noticed his windshield wiper appeared to be broken or perhaps not broken, but sticking straight out. At this juncture I preceded to have a discussion with myself. . .

"Why would he get in his car and start driving with his windshield wiper sticking straight out?"

"Didn't he notice?"

"What kind of accident or misfortune would cause such a phenomenon?"

I took a closer look to try to surmise the situation and noticed there was a can jammed between the windshield and the wiper.

"What?"

"Why is there a can jammed between his windshield and the wiper?"

"Oh, how cute. His wife didn't want him to forget his lunch in a rush to get out the door to work."

"But, why did he leave it there?"

"He must be in some kind of hurry to leave it there."

He pulled past me and I pondered on it some more. He was held up by a car in front of him so slowly I moved past him again and I took my opportunity to glance again.

"Oh! That is not a Campbell soup can. That is a Slim Fast can."

"Still... why did he put it there?"

"But of course! He is trying to chill his Slim Fast whilst on his way to work. Clever."

And then the laughing began. I found it entirely humorous. I couldn't stop.

Ode to the Slim Fast Wiper man, good chuckle and journey down memory lane as we "looked" or "didn't look" during our commute this beautiful winter morning.

Whose that guy?

How would you like to be the, "unidentified church employee?"

http://deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,705280308,00.html
Ah, he's no one of significance. We just won't identify him.

Baaaaaaaah!

A goat has been detained on suspicion of armed robbery, police in Nigeria have confirmed.

A group of vigilantes caught the animal and took it to the Kwara state force where they alleged that it had attempted to steal a Mazda 323, reports Metro.

The local group claimed that a criminal had used black magic to transform himself into a goat in order to escape the scene.

Police spokesman Tunde Mohammed said: "The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However, one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat.

"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that human being turned into a goat."

http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/life/2009-01/26/content_7429162.htm

"May it please the court"

I received this email today. I thought before I let my emotions run a muck I had better check it out. I find myself laughing because they are so completely asinine, but the reality of it burns me up. Below is the email I received, but here is the Stella Award website to see for yourself http://www.stellaawards.com/2007.html. Awarding such behavior only encourages others to follow suit, pun intended, because they know they stand a chance.

Hold on to your seats and get your head scratchers ready. Read on. Unbelievable.

It's time again for the annual Stella Awards! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 1-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right, these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

So here are the Stella's for the past year: starting in last place............

7TH PLACE :
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was r unning inside a furniture store. The store owners were under standably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE :
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles,California, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE :
Terrence Dickson, o f Bristol , Pennsylvania , was leavinga house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more.

4TH PLACE :
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4thPlace in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door nei ghbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE :
A jury ordered Philadelphia restaurant to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

2ND PLACE
Kara Walton of Claymont , Delaware , sued the owner of a nightclub in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies' room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the nightclub had to pay her $12,000, oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE : (May we have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos, please.)

This year's runaway Fir st Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motorhome. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

At Last My Love Has Come Around

I think that is a line in an old classic jazz song. It's sung by Ella Fitsgerald or maybe Natalie Cole... then it wouldn't be such an old classic version, but good none the less. I just wanted to take a moment and give honors to the love of my life.... VOLLEYBALL. I should be paying tribute to our new President, but since I didn't watch the inaugural address I don't have much to share. He sure has made an impression though. People are completely smitten. I mean they practically worship the guy. There was an article in the paper yesterday about Obama the King. Are you kidding? But, this blog is not about my political views of the new President it is to pay tribute to the sport of the Gods. Aw! Yes! VOLLEYBALL.

Finally after an eight week silence the Nacho Mamas have risen again to take victory. We have had a few weeks to work the rust out and we are kicking tail and taking names.

I love this sport! Seriously. Bump! Set (that's me)! Spike it! That's the way I like it! Ugh! I love the rush of the game. The speed and movement. Always going. Always reaching. It's like opening a pop can. Psshht! Ah! Now doesn't that feel good?

What's Cooking?

I don't know. I came home from church today and got a bug to make something. I haven't really done much cooking in the last few years. So, I took an assessment of the goods I had in the cupboard and fridge. Pork. I had pork. "Pork, mother." (What movie?)
It seemed boring to just have plain old pork, but it isn't like I knew how to do anything with it. With hamburger there are so many options, but what does one do with pork? There are fried pork chops, but I didn't want to fry it. I could bake it, but what seasoning do you put on pork.
Ah! Revelation. I have 101 cookbooks in the cupboard that I have never opened. Perhaps I could find something there. Ta da! A recipe or and idea at least for breading meat. So, I made up my own breading and baked up some pork served with red beans and rice.

It turned out pretty good. I impressed myself that I still knew my way around the kitchen a bit. I should attempt that more often. I think my dating portfolio is short on entries.
My college roommates and I started our own dating portfolio's O' so many years ago. We would mentally add entries that we thought would impress potential suitors. Like here is a picture of me with kids.... I am good with children. This is me making my bed.... I am a good house keeper. You get the general idea. Well, my portfolio has been hurting in the Betty Crocker department and we all know the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, so I had better getting working on those skills and soon. I am not getting any younger you know. Today I can add I cook pork to my portfolio.